the boy

my son is so damn cute. he just came in to the living room and said "mom, you're my last ingredient." "for what, baby?" "for my perfect sandwich." he takes me into the kitchen, and he's pulled all the stuff out for the sandwich and put it on the counter. he is so cute. some other gems from my little man:
"turn it up louder. louder. louder, mom, so loud i can't hear myself think!!" when testing out the new cars stereo.
"who is the her of which you are speaking?" at the age of five, when overhearing my friend talk about a her.
"i've been waiting to ride the bus for YEARS." when told he could ride the bus for school, also age five.
"you need a boyfriend mom. really, i'll be fine with it." previously recorded and said a few weeks ago.
"you are my favorite mom ever." not very original, but genius. pure genius.

there are so many more, but of course my swiss cheese brain can't remember them.

he's an engineer too. he will build for hours, so long as there's a water source. he will move rocks, dig holes, make canals and bridges and everything, so long as water can run through it. he is fascinated by the movements and manipulation of water. it is so cool. the child has a brain like a sponge. i'm liking him a lot right now, so i had to put it down to remember when he's driving me insane. lol

surprise, surprise, surprise

well, with all the action i'm getting here, i thought i'd update my three readers on my previously posted event. that would be the event with the fiasco. my god. i'm guessing it was either truth serum or drunkenness, but he has of course not called back since that night. i have maintained the no contact clause that i instated, but jesus h. christ, i am just a lot pissed off at him. i was over it, i was thinking fond but mostly distant thoughts about him, i was starting to date again, i was good. he would pop up in my dreams or thoughts only once or twice a day (instead of the obsessive thinking i was doing a few months ago) and it was wistful thoughts, not i have to have him thoughts like before. well, fuck me running, he's back with a vengeance. not as bad as before, but still. i'm checking email, i'm jumping when the phone rings, i'm just fucking being stupid and juvenile which i always felt around him and i hate that i let him make me feel this way. i am a strong, attractive, assertive, kick ass woman and it makes me sick that a man can make me act this way at the age of 31. just sick. i disapoint myself in regards to this man. i don't know what it is about him but from the first couple of months hanging with him i was hooked. he was like a drug or something. i haven't wanted someone this irrationally since my high school boyfriend. he got completely and totally under my skin and is still there and i'm fucking sick of it. i don't think it's ever going to go away. i swear to god, it feels like it's always going to be there. maybe it's because for the first time in my life i don't have a replacement, or just because he's my drug, but it feels like i'm going to think about him and want him forever. even though he lies, even though he only tells me how he feels one in every 30 conversations, even though he did terrible things to my head when he saw me for the first time in six months and left within hours, i still talked to him and believed him and hoped he would finally do the right thing and treat me with just a little respect and love. ha. ha fucking ha. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. fool me three times, and just take a gun to my head and pull the trigger, baby. it's easier this time to let go than the other two times, but not a lot. and i'm just afraid that he's going to call me or email me or something again in a few months and i'll do it again. i want to talk to him now, and get this shit figured out once and for all. if we can try and do it. which is so goddamn stupid. the thing that drives me the most crazy, and probably the reason why he got to me, is because he is the only guy i've been with that i didn't have to pretend with. not at all. he appreciated my smart-ass comments and slightly bitchy attitude. he made me laugh with his smart-ass shit. he set me on fire in bed. on fucking fire. he was vulnerable, but just enough. not so much that you want to yell at the guy to get some fucking balls, just enough to make me want to know more. he made me feel comfortable and cared for and good when he was with me. and this is why i still want to talk to him. i want that guy to come to me. not the jackass who lied and who can't deal with growing up and his life. i thought all my wishes had come true when he called and said all those things, and then...nothing? really, nothing? not even a forwarded chain mail email? nothing the fuck at all? i don't get it. i just don't get it at all. actually, i do get it. it just makes me really sad for myself, and for him too. and i don't do sad well. sad is not pretty on me and sad seems to turn to anger and cynicism on my as i age and that just sucks. and if anyone comments about how i need to break up my post, you just fuck off and not post anything cause i don't care. see, the anger. oh god the anger and hurt.

here she is!!

i need to pick out a name for her. i've never called a car her or she before, but i can't seem to stop doing it with her. she needs a name. punkin' is just too typical, and i'm so not typical. i'll have to think of something good. ok, here goes...

my new baby

i really wish i knew how to post pictures cause then i could show you all pics of my new baby. she is sexy and curvy and pretty like her mom. she also likes to go topless like her mom (i know, naughty naughty) and she is energetic and peppy and vibrant like her mom too.

she is, of course, an 04 (only 8000 miles!!!) VW New Beetle Convertible. she is sunrise orange with black leather and a black top and she is freaking sweet!!!

dammit, i wish i knew enough code to post pics!!!

tea for two

so...another "date" today. i don't actually know if tea and toast counts as a date, but whatever. my life is complicated and routinized so sometimes the only time i have free is lunch. anyway, so this was someone i had emailed with for a while, lots of emails a day, all that rot. we didn't exchange pictures, which was fine. i had a vague idea, and so did he, which was refreshing. having someone ask for your measurements right out of the gate is a bit annoying. it was fun, he was into me, i'm sure he'll call.

the thing is, where do men get their attractiveness scale? seriously. i have had so many men say they were attractive, very attractive, etc. and then i see them and i think "meh. he's all right, but very attractive? i'm thinking NO." i don't get it. this guy said that he was attractive enough to make my girlfriends jealous. so i'm thinking, right on, a true hottie. yeah, not so much. not that he was fugly or anything, but, i don't think most of my girlfriends would try to poach him when i went to the bathroom. (not that they're like that, but you know what i mean.) i don't know. is it that their mothers always told them how handsome they were and they think all women will think it's true? is it that there is not the societal pressure to look a certain way? what is with some old fat bastard thinking he can hit on a young hot girl? it just does not make sense to me.

there is a guy at work who is great. very intelligent, sensitive, kind, all that. he is also almost the same age as my dad, and let's be honest, not hot. i love him though, he's a good friend of mine, don't get me wrong. but because he and i are some of the only single people there, he and a lot of other people assumed we would get together. he was actually a little offended that i didn't come on to him. what is with that? someone else is convinced that we are secretly seeing eachother. i'm sorry, but that is just insulting. just on the basis of our age difference it's insulting, but then you add in that he's significantly over weight (i'm a petite girl, i have a fear of overweight men smothering me during sex, sorry) and not my type at all, and it's just downright rude. it offended me when i heard that people thought that. am i shallow? maybe a little. or maybe i'm just realistic. but i am an attractive woman, and i'm only 31. why on earth would i go out with a man who has a hundred pounds and over 20 years on me? i don't get it. i just really don't.

anyway, slam me now for being superficial or whatever, but there is a limit. i would not date someone as old, or even in the same decade as my father, no matter how hot, rich, or whatever he was. it's just too gross. not to mention that any man over 40 is not going to be able to keep up with me in bed. period.

jesus (in the blasphemy sense, not the worshipping sense)

just had a shocking thing happen. a guy who i knew, the aforementioned fiasco, who i had feelings for and went through hell about, has apparently turned a new leaf. he had a problem with the truth, about a lot of stuff but most of all his feelings, and after an hour and a half long conversation he seems to have changed.

i know, i know, people don't change. i'm sticking with this thought process for now, but there was always this weird thing with this guy in that i felt like he was always fighting with himself. almost like a split personality thing. like he wanted to tell me stuff about himself and his feelings, and sometimes he would, but then the little devil on his shoulder would pipe up and say something like "don't do that for her, don't tell her the truth, don't have any feelings for her" and he would listen to that and lie to me or not call or jump out of bed and leave. it was weird and frustrating and hurtful to me. for all the obvious reasons of course, but also because he was a great guy and it was hard to watch him morph in to a jackass just cause he was scared of being honest with himself and me and anyone else around him.

well, after four months of no contact and almost a year of him living in a different state, i get a slew of emails from him today. and then the unbelieveable, a phone call. a real phone call, with him saying all the stuff i knew about how he felt and thought about things but that he could never tell me. and it was so good to talk to the good guy that i liked the best.

but shit. yes shit. and he's probably going to read this cause like a dumbass i let it slip that i had a blog, but i don't care. i don't know what this means at all. i don't know what is going to happen. i told him that he was responsible for all contact, so we'll see. i still don't know what brought this on exactly (he said he didn't know really but was thinking about me a lot, yea!) but we'll see. if he's serious about being different and wanting to prove it to me, we'll just see. all i know is that i'm happy for him for being a better person and being honest with himself and others (he thinks it's cool to not have to be guilty or worry about getting caught in a lie, evidently he didn't know this was a benefit of being honest, lol) and i'm happy for me for not having to think that he was just another jackass. well, i'm thinking that he's not for now, but we'll see if he actually follows through with what he said on the phone.

god, i'm just feeling so surreal about the whole thing. you know when you want something for so long, and then accept the fact that you're not going to get it and are fine with it, and then you get it and you just don't know what to do with it? yeah, hi, that's me right now. i know that in this day and age you're just supposed to cut anyone who hurts you or lies to you out of your life, but...fuck. here i am. we shall see.

dating

i've never dated before. i mean, i've gone out to dinner occasionally, and i've had some random meet and greets, but the majority of my relationship life has been with people i know or i work with. but, after a fiasco to end all fiascoes with my latest work related "boyfriend" (very loosely applied term), i vowed not to date at work ever again.

fast forward nine freaking months, and here i am. i'm a single mom who works nights. contrary to popular belief, my sons school playground is not a hotbed of single pick-up action. therefore, i literally meet no one new. so what do i do? what do i, an attractive yet complicated modern woman do? yeah, you guessed it, internet dating. oh joy, oh fun, look at all these men, where should i start? should i start with the guy who after three emails and one phone conversation comes in to my work to meet, asking everyone in both restaurants where i am? or the guy who, after repeated emails, comes over to meet me and says how he believes in honesty and should tell me he's married (evidently honesty doesn't go so far as to actually say that in the previous 10 emails he's sent me) but his wife is a bisexual who plays away and he thinks he should be able to too. or the guy who so obviously sent me a picture from 10 years ago so i wouldn't think he was balding and totally grey (cute though, i have to say, but i married an older man and have always dated older men, and they just can't keep up with me anymore.) it is disheartening. but, i have found a couple here and there who were all right.

i got a picture from a guy and he was playing in a band. looked cool, sounded cool, so we went out. turns out he's a mathematician and college professor but also in a really great band. i'm liking him. the whole two worlds coming together really turns me on. there's another guy who i like but who insists that he just wants something casual. i don't believe him, he's the marrying kind. i'm not. the marrying kind that is. it's gonna take some kind of knight in shining armor to knock me out to get me to go there again. and no, fair people, it's not because i'm bitter. it's because i do my whole life really well all by myself. and i have a kid. so, i'm not going to let someone in here who only kinda measures up. it's all or nothing baby, and i'm great with that. i'll have my fun, my dates, my sex, my FWB, but only a god among men is gonna end up here everyday in my life and my son's life. but if you're out there though, G.A.M., you can sneak up behind me and knock me over the head anytime you want.

another single lady and cat story

well, maybe not all about the cat. my cat is what they lovingly refer to as "vocal." if you're ever in the mood to adopt a cat, and they say that, RUN. seriously, run out the door cause if not you'll be stuck with what i have: a cat who has conversations with you non-stop all the time. she will not shut her little pussy mouth and it drives me crazy. she has about 20 different meows and it freaks me out sometimes. then there's the licking and the following me all over the place, but that's a different story altogether.

work was interesting tonight. we had a new tasting menu that is beautiful, and we got to taste it with the wines. let me say that again. we got to taste all the food with the wines. i think you can see where this is headed. there are two tasting menus, one five course and one four course. that means there are nine wines to go with them. granted, they were small pours, but for some reason anything i drink before it's dark outside goes straight to my head. i am so glad it wasn't busy and that i decided to expedite (i worked on the front of the house side of the line in the kitchen instead of directly being responsible for guests) because i was one buzzed little service professional, let me tell you.

i was supposed to have a date tonight, but he got sick. so here i am, all psyched up and out of work early, trying to re-establish my buzz, little boy is at his dad's, and all i've got to show for it is a crappy (this is terrible, i know, it's the wines fault) blog entry and the chance to not have sex again tonight. yippee, hey hey, jesus. i want a boyfriend. it's just plain crappy to be single in the land of newly wed or nearly dead.

another stimulating evening

ahhh, ya gotta love a monday on a friday. i work friday through tuesday, so i'm on my monday morning (at 3:30 pm) when most people are gearing up for their weekend to start. it's such a fabulous joy!! not. well, i can't get too whacked out about it, cuz i've never had a "real job" (if there is a more real job than feeding and babysitting adults, i don't know what it is) before, so i don't know what it's really like to work mon-fri, 9-5. i've always been in this industry, and i love it. i've tried a lot of college, but i always end up coming back to this. waiting. i just love it. i love the energy, the people, the freaks (did you know that all the freaks come out on the same night? it's a different night every week, but i swear to god all the freaks gather and go out on the same night) the kitchen crazies, and the food and wine geeks. but, people are weird. people lose all their skills in a restaurant environment. it's ridiculous. they expect me to do everything for them, and yet they also think i'm pretty damn stupid to be "just a waitress." i've worked so hard on my own head to not think about myself as "just" a waitress, but it's hard to fight the majority. the thing is, it's different depending on where you go. i know shit. i know a lot of shit. no, i didn't go to server college, cause there isn't one dammit, but i've don't the equivalent of 13 years of school to get where i am. i study all the time. i learn about food and cooking and wine and cheese and service everyday. i read magazines and books and cookbooks and watch the food network way too much. ask me anything. i know my shit, and if i don't, i'm not afraid to admit and then find out for you. on a different note, my six year old said i need a boyfriend yesterday. i saw a cute guy and said so and my boy said "you need a boyfriend, mom." I of course laughed and said "if i had a boyfriend, you'd have to share me with him." and he said...wait for it..."i'd be ok with that mom. really." i love that kid.

i am so lazy

oh my god, i am so lazy. my kid is out of school, so that means i don't have to get up at the crack of christ and take him to school. which means i can sleep in. which means that i am so tired from sleeping so much that i sit on my ever widening ass on the couch for my days off while my little boy runs around like a cyclone. at the risk of sounding like i'm making excuses (which of course i am but whatever), my son did say he didn't want to leave the house, but my god we've been here for two days. i haven't cleaned, although i did do one load of laundry and run the dishwasher. oh the excitement. i've also become a bit of a tv addict. you want to know why? because i got effing tivo. oh yeah, baby, bring on the addiction. now not only do i have high-speed unlimited internet with which to waste time, i have all the shows i've not been able to watch while working nights just sitting inside this little machine waiting for me. just waiting and calling and wasting all of my time. my old favorite quantum leap? oh hell yeah. desperate housewives? didn't know anything about it, but now it's there every week. same with lost, all the damn csi's, the freaking ellen show and oprah (love her, but...) oh my god, there are so many things i should not be spending my time watching, but there it is. and, they gave it to me, so it's not like i can give it back and change service. anyway, i've got another leap to watch and some back issues of cl's best of. someone stop the excitement.

Hi there

well, as inspired by kristy, here's a blog for me. i am a server, yes a server. part of a huge industry, a multi-billion dollar industry, that still doesn't have a section when i clicked on the industry/occupation portion of this blog set up. why is that?? being a server means that after taking care of my son all day, i go and take care of strangers all night. it is a great job, and i love it, but people confuse me. what is with not reading a menu? what is with asking the same question every course, when we as servers are doing the same thing everytime? what is with thinking that the restaurant stays open until all hours just cause you're there? why do people lose their basic manners and social skills in a restaurant setting? i work in a very swank place now, but other places i've worked have just been a hotbed of people mad at the world and ready to take it out on the running around like chicken without head server of theirs. i don't understand it, but i'm here to talk about it.