so obviously

i was the girl who got the diary, made religious entries for the first week, and then didn't open it again for a year. yeah, i know. i like this blog thing, but i am so used to doing everything in my head that it's hard to get it out. but i definitely need to. so, my biggest news is that i'm quitting smoking. as we speak i am finishing my last cigarette. ok, done. yikes, the anxiety sucks, but i have to do this. i have realized that not only does smoking make you likely to get cancer and smell really bad, it makes me a lazy piece of crap. i spend on average 100 minutes a day sitting on my ass smoking. granted, sometimes i'm driving somewhere so i'm actually doing something, but most of the time i'm sitting on my porch reading or computering and putting off all the other things i should be doing. like cleaning the house, going to the store for groceries, getting my car looked at, getting taxes done, and oh yeah! exercising. it's no wonder i've put on 15 pounds in the last year. take away sex (my only exercise before) and all of a sudden i'm not burning hundreds or thousands of calories a week anymore. and of course that leads to extra weight, which leads to loss of confidence, which leads to lower self-esteem, which leads to being single and having no way to meet new people for over a year cause i'm just home smoking. never realized how much it colored my life. it's hard to contemplate stopping something that is such a part of my life though. it's the longest relationship i've had with anything besides my immediate family. but it doesn't matter. i'm not doing it anymore. i told my son to yell at me and destroy any cigarettes he sees me with, so that will help. and that damn commercial with the little kid walking through the ghost of his grandpa still haunts me years after i saw it. so, i'm doing it and that is it. i'm sure i'll be an even bigger bitch that usual, which is frightening, but i'll get over it. and i'll have all this nervous energy which i'm going to transfer into exercise and cleaning. so hopefully i'll have a lovely clean house, and be on the way to 125 like i should be!! yippee, heh heh, ho ho. jesus. lol

red hair effing rocks!!

i love it. i love love love it. i've had it red and blonde highlighted, but i went all red (with plum underneath) a few months ago. god i love it, and in the sun it's just like a beacon shining. it makes me feel so hot and pretty and wild. i love it, and i got a fabulous cut this time too. my hair has been fairly short for the last three years, i've been growing it out for a year, and it's now down to almost my bra strap with lovely layers and it's beautiful!!!! god, i sound like such a girl but i love it. so, i am on a mission to make myself feel better, which for me has a lot to do with me looking better. first i got my nails done for the first time in five weeks (that sickness really fucked my life up man.) then the hair for the first time in three months. i've stopped drinking beer, and haven't really been drinking much of anything lately, which is helping with the mood and the weight. now, i'll be trying to get my fat ass smaller and perkier, which obviously will not give me the instant gratification my hair does, but i know it will happen eventually. and then the big one: figuring out how the hell to quit smoking without gaining weight or killing someone or both. that is going to be the hardest one cause i'm one serious smoker. i don't smoke a lot, not like a pack a day or anything, but definitely everyday and definitely regularly and definitely addicted. and i know that i go psycho when i try to quit smoking cold turkey, and i also know that the patch makes me sick and the pills make me shake and give me insomnia. so, what else is there? hypnosis? that smoke away crap? trying to slowly cut down? i have no idea. i just have no idea, i really don't. all i know is that i don't like it like i used to, and i know that it makes me smell and feel tired and it's just not good for me. duh. so, those are my really late new years resolutions, if you will, and i'm hoping that in six months or so i'll be a better me.

i think i finally recovered from the superbowl

jay-sus, i got drunk. i have not been that twisted in years. years and years. it was fun though, mostly. i realized that i am at a serious disadvantage just to have a conversation with a guy though, seeing as how i'm not 22 and thin as a stick. it really pisses me off. it doesn't even matter what the face looks like, just so long as she's skinny and young. yeah, i need to lose some weight, but i'm not fat. and yeah, i'm not 22, but i got skills and i don't come with the 20's drama. but, i guess that although all men say they want no drama, they still go for the 20's girls cause they're skinnier and younger. whatever. like i said, i'm off men for now. i need to release this bitterness and anger somehow and i think the only way to let go of it is to stay away from men entirely. the boys i work with are ok, although they too bug the hell out of me sometimes in their testosterone poisoned kitchen, they're like brothers to me so it doesn't bother me that much. anyway, i'm battling a mix of no energy, grouchiness, and depression, which is not a good cocktail for me at all. i've just been so effing tired lately that it's impossible for me to get enough sleep and have time to workout, clean the house, do laundry, hang out with the boy, work, and relax a little. there's just not enough time at all.