lazy sunday

until i go to work of course. so, i'm thinking that i'm off men. not forever, but i realized that over the last two years, my response to the fiasco stopping contact with me was to go find another penis ASAP. and even though i have been totally single for the last year, and mostly single for the year before that, he's been in my head and/or bed almost the whole time. and i've felt hurt and angry with him for doing his running thing, and i've felt so insecure, so i needed some other man to show me that i was good enough to have. well i'm sick of feeling that way. and i'm sick of one night stands with losers who don't deserve me. i've let myself go so bad in the last year, mooning around in a depressed haze, wishing i could have someone who is totally unhaveable, and i'm so sick of it. of course i think of him a lot still, but i can't do it anymore. (and of course i'm pissed that i let him in again after the four month hiatus last year. i would probably be with the man of my dreams by now. shit!!) it's made me a different person. i used to be confident and bubbly and fun, now i'm just not those things at all, unless i hear from him. i need to be those things for myself only. so, i'm working out, which feels great but also hurts so bad cause i'm very out of shape. and i'm also ixneying any dating for now. probably for a few months. i need to feel good about myself again, so i'm not walking around with a neon sign on my head that's blaring "desperate for approval" and of course "desperate for sex" on it. those are not things that make men fall at your feet. so i'm in retirement from men, and it feels pretty good. now if i could just lose 20 pounds and get this guy out of my head, i'd be golden!!

work is good, except the coup the rookies pulled while the two seniors were gone (myself sick and the other one on vacation). it's amazing to me that one of the people i work with, who is a whiny little bitchwho charades as a sweet little victim, actually is getting more of the pool now just because she worked a little harder for a couple of weeks and then whined about it constantly. so now i have to pay her as much as another server who works her ass off and is awesome about everything. when i have to help someone who's been there over a year with one of the simplest things to do on the computer, they do not deserve .85. they just don't. it's ridiculous. our whole place is about teamwork, so of course we all help eachother, but there comes a time when helping turns in to doing it for them, and that time has come and gone with this one. we had the whole menu change, and i mean the whole menu, 50 items or so, and none of us had seen them or tasted them before we had to sell them. and we just said, ok, here goes nothing. she comes in, whining right away, wouldn't it be better if i'm in the kitchen since i haven't seen the food, help me on the computer, help me with this this, i don't know if i can do this, WAAHHH! i of course told her that all of us had to do that and to get over it (she didn't like that), and i helped her on the computer but told her i shouldn't have to doing this with her anymore, and then told the boss. so call me a bitch, i'm not, i'm just doing my job for the restaurant and the rest of us. so that was my night last night. i leave home from a son who's whining for me to do something for him (although he's not so much whining anymore as asking a million times) and go to work and have to babysit a 39 year old server who should know all this by now times ten. thank god i didn't have any whiny customers last night or i would have gone postal. ahhh, feel better now, stress transferred to blog.

assholes. yes, really.

and, for once, this is not going to be about men. i'm talking about people. on my local craigslist (why i don't stop going on there is beyond me sometimes) there is currently a debate about tipping servers. and some of the comments are just hateful. like the why don't i get a real job and become someone. what the fuck is that? have you ever worked your ass off serving everyone person's possible want and need? have you ever had to multitask so freaking much that it leaves your head spinning and your heart hammering for hours afterwards? maybe i'll be someone someday? fuck you. i am someone. i'm someone who cares about strangers. i'm someone who knows people so well that i can practically tell what color underwear they're wearing after talking to them for three minutes. i'm someone who knows every fucking ingredient in every dish (and we're talking over 60 dishes) on my menu. and my menu changes daily. i've memorized so many items i can't even begin to list them. i'm someone who creates memories for people that last them their entire life. i'm someone who works her ass off so strangers can pass judgment on her and decide her quality of life. i'm someone who is kick ass at her job, who loves almsot every minute of it, and yet still has to deal with the judgment and bullshit of strangers who think i'm just some dumb girl who couldn't do anything else with her life except wait tables. it just makes me so mad, i want to go postal, i swear. but i won't. i won't succumb to the shit these people dish, because i do love what i do, and it pays for my life and my son's life. and it pays well. and i won't have school loans to pay for the next ten years. and i actually look forward to going to work most days. i'm a professional, and the people that don't recognize that are just fucking losers who probably hate their job and don't make shit for money. so there!!! lol

yes, where have i been??

oh, my loyal following, you wouldn't believe where i've been. offline is where. dammit, when you move, and try to be responsible, and set up all your bills on auto-pay, it should all be good, right? except, when you forget to set one up on auto-pay, and you only realize it after the internet doesn't work, it takes FOREVER to get it hooked back up. but i'm back on, thank god, and have a surreal experience to share. did you know that there are microscopic crystals that grow on the hairs in your inner ear? and did you know that they are harmless unless they, for no known reason, detach and start floating around in your inner ear canal and give you the most horrible and unending vertigo ever? and did you know that most people don't know anything about it and you have to go through about a week and a half of your whole life coming to a screeching halt because you can't even get out of bed without falling over? yeah well, now you do. and, more horribly, now i do. oh my god, when you call your boss and tell him you have to have physical therapy to rearrange the crystals in your ear, it just seems the stupidest punk'd skit ever. jesus, it was horrible. i couldn't drive, i couldn't hardly move with out the room swooping around me, i thought i was having a stroke, it was awful. awful awful awful!! but, i did get the physical therapy and now i'm feeling better. i actually made it through a whole night of work, for the first time since new years eve, last night. yeah, two weeks off. with no pay. really really bad stuff folks. but hopefully some saudi arabian prince will come in and order three bottles of Petrus and make me my rent in one night!! ha ha. like that will happen. and seeing as how the fiasco has called a total of five times (at the most) in the last month or more, i'm thinking i'm going to start looking around again. my self-esteem needs the push, i can tell you. i'm down there real low right now, and definitely need some pumping up. and i'm also going to get back on the exercise that i had started before moving became an impossibility. so, there's my first of years post. exciting huh? i'm going to make it more exciting this year if it kills me!!