stressed the eff out

I'm just waiting for the heart attack. Seriously. Combine work stress, money stress, kid stress, man stress, and lack of sleep stress and I am one mama on the verge of a breakdown of epic proportions. It's so typical, just so damn typical, that when everything is clicking along just fine and I'm happy, all hell breaks loose.

I made the call yesterday for the new job. Don't know what, if anything, will come of it, but I'm keeping my fingers and toes and legs and arms and eyes crossed. I really want this new job, and I REALLY need to get out of my place, which is breaking my heart. My boss, after a very stressful (there's that word again) buyout the other night, in which I organized everything, said that I was the only one he trusts to run those things. He said that to the boss of the whole place, and it made me feel good for about 30 seconds. I am/have been so underappreciated for so long, and quite frankly abused sometimes, that him saying that felt like too little too late. Others have been coming up to me and saying how valuable I am and how much they depend on me. GREAT!! Then show it by not talking shit about me behind my back all the time, mmmk? The new guy is still a complete jackass, and going in to work and basically kissing his ass is rotting my stomach. But I have to do it for the foreseeable future, so I have to just swallow the bile and hope I don't give myself a fucking ulcer.

The boy is out of camp and is not going back to regular school, so he is here. Which is so great, but with all the other stress and sleep problems, I'm just one big ball of grouch, so it's been tough. He's been good to me, even with all the temper tantrums and bad language (strangely I'm the one doing those things, not him, for once) and I'm trying real hard to be present for him for some of the day. But mostly I'm just dying to crawl into bed, surfing the internet and reading to escape the voice in my head that will not shut the hell up. It wants to know just what the hell I think I'm doing with my life and where the hell I think I'm going to be able to go and fix things. HELL IF I KNOW, but I'll let y'all know as soon as I do. Thanks.

The fiasco is back. Here. Like ten minutes away. He is going to be here for who knows how long cause he got a good job (completely out of the blue, as is the way he always goes about getting things). It's astonishing to me how he can just fall face first into daisies everytime he does stuff like this. Just up and quits his job, drives around the country for awhile, and falls smack into a sous chef position. Or, go on a weekend trip to Vegas, where during a wonderful dinner, minutes after telling me he thinks he's ready to really be my boyfriend, he gets offered a job by a world famous chef. unbelieveable. So, he's here and I'm ok with it, I think. We have hung out a little without doing it, and talked a lot, but after talking about how stressed I was he suggested all I needed was sex to get my mind clear. I have to say, I really couldn't see a reason why this was something that wasn't right, so there we go. It was fabulous, as always, and did relieve the stress for sure. Then I jumped up off his couch and went home. I don't think that had ever happened before, so I think he was a little shocked. I told him that we could sleep together, and be friends, but he was not allowed to talk to me about his feelings. You see, I am fine with just a sexual relationship, I can keep my feelings out of it and have fun. BUT, he seems to think that the only way to keep me sleeping with him is to involve feelings. So he starts talking about how he's changed, and wants more, and yada yada yada and I believe him and let my feelings go and then he DISAPPEARS. No thank you, not again, no way. I like him, love him as you can love someone you've known a long time and have fun with, but I can't trust him with more strong feelings than that. So, hopefully, I'll get laid a few times a week (god the sex is just AMAZING with him) and have someone to vent to and laugh with, and we'll be good friends. I can wish all I want for more, but it's just never going to happen, so I am happy with what I can get while maintaining my independence of life and feelings.

Man, it's amazing how much this helps. Just putting it out into the ether and letting it go where it may.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Well, maybe changes. I'm having a hard time at my job right now. My boss, who I really like and respect, has hired a guy who is HORRIBLE. Not only is he horrible, he is rude and mean and disrespectful. AND, he is now, essentially, the boss. There is restructuring going on, and this guy is now our Maitre'D. That means he is in charge of service. I am having trouble with this in so many ways it's not even funny. We have a very special room. It has it's own quirks, just like every room, but it is so unlike any other I've worked in that I feel very protective of it. I've been there for five years, and have gone through so many changes (both in style of service and management/coworkers) that I don't think I can do it again. Which brings me to a very hard place. I have worked at this restaurant since the week after my husband and I split up. My son was 2.5 when I started there. So much of my life has been spent there. I have guests that I have waited on for every one of their anniversaries who say that it just wouldn't really be their anniversary if I didn't wait on them there. I have relationships that have developed with guests and coworkers together over the years. But everyone is leaving. All the guys I've worked with for years who are really good are leaving. I feel like I can't learn anything but hate from this new guy, and feel that even though it is terrifying, I need to move on. God, it just fills me with such a mixture of feelings to be contemplating a move. There is only one other place I'd want to work around here, so I have to try to work on the move to that place on the down low, and stay at my current place without killing this new guy. Fun!!