return of the exes

so i go to see one of them in vegas (not so much an ex as a big fat ???) and then the ex boyfriend shows up at work today. the ex that loved me better than any other. also the ex that drove me crazy with his whining. the ex that i miss a tiny tiny bit when i'm really really really lonely, only because i know he would do something to make me feel better for the moment. and then he would drive me crazy again and i'd have to tell him to take a hike. again.

it was so weird. i haven't talked to him or seen him or anything for almost two years. so one guy from work tells me they saw him on the golf course today. warning one. then another guy at work says there's someone in the kitchen who wants to see me. i saw through that one, but still, warning two. then, another guy from work comes out and says "j, i have a surprise for you" warning three. then another guy goes to say hi to him and comes back to tell me he's going to be in the bar. warning four. so after much teasing and general disorderly conduct, i went to say hello. of course, the king of selfishness hadn't come to see me, i had to go say hi to him. once again, i had to be the adult, but whatever. i went and said hi, he gave me a ridiculous hug, asked me how things were and if i was married again and if i had more kids (???? do you not remember what i said to you when we last talked? no more marriage!!!! duh) and basically that was it. then i came back from the break and all hell breaks loose. (one problem with dating people you work with, everyone knows everything and they all have a whole lotta shit to say.) anyway, one after the other after the other comes to tell me they went to say hi to him and all he could say is how much he misses me and how much he loves me and how i'm his true love and yadda yadda yadda. jesus, i could have told you all that. there are very few, if any, men that i have loved and then left who didn't want me badly after i was gone. finally pulled their heads out of their asses and realized how great i am. call me conceited if you want to, it's the truth. i'm one of those women who men don't appreciate until i'm gone. he fucked up, made the wrong decision, and i was done so i didn't fight for it when he left. now, and for the last two years apparently, he's missed me and still loves me and wants me back. sorry, you haven't changed, and i don't want you in my life anymore. i feel bad for it, but....ya gotta move on cause i'm not doing it again. i could, if i wanted to be loved like crazy, but i'd be with someone that i don't love like crazy and who thinks totally different things about kids than i do, and just totally not me at all. no thanks. i could be with him, or my ex husband for that matter, if settling for something that's not good for me is what i want. i don't want that. i want someone who fires me up, who i'm comfortable being me (in all my glory and my not so glory) with, who makes me laugh, who digs me for me and not for some image they have in their head about how i should be, someone who knows me and appreciates it and doesn't get pissed off about it. someone who wants me for who and what i am and revels in it. so there.

you can't always get what you want

but sometimes, i guess, you get what you need. "what do you want me to say?" he asks me. what do i want him to say? i want him to say he's madly in love with me and nothing else matters. i want him to come to me and give in to all of it and be with me. i want him to say that he will move back here, to a place he loves and to a woman he loves, when he's done with his year of work and see if this thing between will work. what do i need him to say or do? call me, talk to me, involve me in his life on a semi-daily basis. i don't need all of that other stuff right now, but i do need some sign that our weekend wasn't just another fling thing for him, and i'm not getting that right now. i need him to prove to me that he is different, even though his behavior when i was there was totally different. i need more proof. i'm just back in teenager land again, willing the phone to ring, wanting the only connection that's available to us, and i know that he probably thinks of me all the time and thinks of calling me but he's running scared again. or he's just really busy with work. or he just really needed to get laid and i was there. it could be anything, but since he's not calling, i don't know what it is. i hate not knowing. i cried in front of him, thinking that that would freak him out and make him want to run away, and instead he just sat there and listened to me totally lose it and breakdown. he said "you are a girl after all." sometimes it's a curse to seem so strong and together, cause i think some people think you don't have as deep of feelings or something. just cause i don't show it a lot, doesn't mean i don't have them. i have them, a lot of them, but after you've had your heart broken four or five times, and gone through a divorce, and are a single mom who works too much, you have to stay hard or it all just falls apart. i just don't want to let him hurt me again, so i try not to show my feelings so much. but i have them. jesus, do i ever. i woke up out of a dead sleep the other night, expecting him to be there, and cried when he wasn't. what the fuck? after three nights together, i wake up thinking he's gonna be there? the connection is freaky wonderful, and everything else is just unbelieveable, and we are so comfortable together, but then he pulls away and i just feel confused and cold. god, what a mess.

on a lighter note, i'm still living and loving my life. working thanksgiving sucks ass, but i made a lot of money. almost made up for the money i spent in vegas. ha. this whole week is just crazy busy, but so profitable that i can't really complain. if i could just get some sleep, i'd be golden. and for all the whining above, i did have an incredibly wonderful time getting away from my life and just being free and with someone i love and really like and have a really good time with. i haven't done that for so long, it was just so great. even if nothing comes of it with him, it gave me the strength to keep doing this single mom thing for a few more months. i might have to go back in january to get a refill, though. lol

my son lost his first tooth on the 19th. he looks so cute with his little gappy mouth. he's gonna lose another one pretty soon, probably while he's with his dad AGAIN. that really pissed me off, but, what can you do? i nursed him constantly and took care of his poor screaming self while all those teeth came in and his dad wasn't there, and now his dad gets to be the hero tooth fairy. a metaphor for life, i think. but my boy loves me so much. he had to write a note to the tooth fairy asking for his tooth back so he could take it to his mom. he said he'd give the money back if only he could have his tooth so his mom could see it. that's love for you. he drives me nuts, but he can be the sweetest little thing ever and i'm so glad i have him to keep me growing and grounded.

ahhh, love

so, last night i watched "the story of us" with bruce willis and michelle pfeffier (thinking that's spelled right, but who knows really.) that is a serious story that of course got me thinking about love. and also of divorce and relationships and marriage and kids. all of which i have had and do have. however, i have not had a real relationship for almost two years, and it hurts almost. i truly do not remember what it is like to talk to someone (an adult male anyway) on a daily basis who loves me. i do not remember what it is like to share my daily life with someone besides my son, and i don't even share everyday with him. i don't know if i can do it again, but i miss it so much. i miss having someone who loves me and who i love. i'm very happy with my life, and can't imagine it changing, but i'm lonely. so lonely sometimes that i go crazy it seems like. but at exactly the same time, i feel fine about all of it. probably because most of the men i meet would drive me insane within a week. it's so weird. most of the movies i watch, and books i read, and conversations i have are about relationships. most of them are about the getting to the point of loving someone, but some like the aforementioned movie, are about what happens later. and i want what happens later. i want someone who notices that i have the lightest possible glitter painted on my nails. i want someone who will make me laugh when i'm just about ready to freak out on my kid. i want someone to run me a bath that is ready right when i come home from work. i want someone who is there to kiss me awake right before the alarm goes off. i want someone who i can laugh with and love all night long. i want someone who knows me and all the little things about me and loves all of it just cause it's part of me. and, at the same time, i don't want any part of my life to change. it's like half of me is positively yearning for love, while the other half is fine with everything the way it is. like i said, weird. it's good that i'm okay with nothing changing, cause it's not looking good on the love front. i don't think. i don't know really. all i know is that i'm going to have a great weekend out of town, and hope that something comes of it, and then come home and go back to my life with my boy and try not to go crazy thinking about what happened on the weekend and what it means and where i go with it. i hate ambiguity.

another one about the boy!!

my son just called me from school and told me he has a loose tooth!! i don't know why i'm so excited about this, but i just am. he said he was eating a corn dog and bit into the stick, and it made his tooth loose. it's one of the bottom ones. i'm not going to get to see him until tomorrow, but i'm really hoping that it falls out when he's with me and not his dad. i know, not fair, but dammit, i was the one who dealt with all the pain of those teeth coming in and i want to be the one around for them to fall out!!

a blog..off track??? the hell you say!!

just realized that my blog has gone off on a tangent about my life (bad blog, bad!!) and not about my work. so, i'm wracking my brain trying to think of an interesting or amusing work story and nothing is coming. i could tell about the time i got yelled at for watching the clock by a guest after he asked me what time it was, but that is pretty self explanatory (explanation: the guy was an asshat.) i could tell about the time i spilled a little wine on someone and apologized profusely only to have them write a letter to the owner saying that me and my "ample behind" knocked over their whole bottle and that i didn't so much as stop let alone say sorry (another asshat with his wife, mrs. asshat. and i'll have you know i was all of 115 lbs and a size 4 at the time.) or i could tell of the time that i walked down into the cellar and another waitress was down there taking pictures of a group of golfers who decided to whip their tools out when she snapped the picture (we thought this was funny cause we're perverts, so we'll just call them golfers, not asshats.) i guess, after thinking about it, there are a lot of stories i could tell.

i'd like to make it clear that one of the things i love about my job is that the restaurant industry is the last bastion of freedom to be a pervert. i don't know what it is, but i think it has a lot to do with outgoing people in the FOH (front of the house) and almost all guys in the BOH (i'm not going to explain that one cause it's the same as the other except for back) that makes us all delinquents. maybe it also has something to do with us FOHers having to kiss strangers asses all night long on the floor that makes us feel the need to swear like sailors in the back. i don't know, but i love it. just know that nine times out of ten, that sweet faced, charming, polite girl that tells you all about the food and brings everything out perfect is going in the back and saying fuck every other word and talking about blow jobs. it's funny!!

we have chestnuts on our menu right now. how many perverted things can you come up with for chestnuts, kids? i'll give you a minute...i can come up with a few. ready?
"can i have my chinnuts, please?"
"just waiting for your hot nuts, guys."
"i need your nuts, now, in my hands, preferably hot."
"i tasted your nuts. they were great, a little hot, but delicious."
it just goes on and on. it's a little better if you can insert names, but i don't want to incriminate my crush, who just happens to cook the nuts, in this blog. let's just say he blushes a lot whenever i ask for his nuts.

and it's not just nuts. we are sick about everything. my boss has a pen. the first time he handed it to me, i thought it was a joke. it's the thickness of a large spaghetti noodle, but only about two inches long. meaning, it's tiny. i said "what the hell is this??" and he said "you know how some guys buy big trucks and people say they're over compensating? this is my under-compensating pen." i mean really, i barely knew the guy, but he saw that i was a perve just like the rest of us lifers in this biz and knew i would laugh my ass off at that. and of course i did, and i tease him about it to this day.

should i be paranoid of telling all this stuff to strangers? i hope not.