when it's raining men...

most of the time, it ends up just being a fucking flood. and not in the "yay, more men for me" type of flood, a death and destruction flood. yeah, so, all those men i was talking about? aside from the message board guy, they don't exist. literally, they do exist (unless, of course, they are really 12 year old girls fucking with me), but in terms of my life? not so much. the IT guy, who seemed genuinely nice and interested, got a full blown breakdown of my schedule and went MIA. the fiasco never showed, or never called, so fuck him six ways from sunday. god, I am so over that boy. and then there's the blogger. gosh, i'm so disapointed. it's retarded, really. a few (or ten) emails and such an amazing chat, and i get my hopes up. not the hopes that we're going to get married and have five babies, but just the hopes that someone, some man, would live up to what he was saying. would be able to say something 21st century romantic (he has a REALLY popular blog, which i emailed him about, and he said it was like my font was a different color. that's like a modern day taking off the coat and covering the puddle for the lady type thing, to me anyway...what was I saying?) and actually mean it. why, oh sweet jesus, why do i let this happen to myself? not to say i'm sitting here crying in my wine (oh, you know there's wine involved in this crap) over the lost opportunities of great love, but still!! what the fuck? what does a girl have to do around here to get some lovin'? or even just someone who doesn't lie or freak out the minute after i think that there might just be a possibility? fuck.

i MIGHT be a little drunk

i say might, because i'm deluding myself, but whatever. so, tonight, we had a "photo shoot." and photo shoot, in my place, could be anything from an actual photo shoot with, like, cameras and stuff, to a whole damn "spot on a tv show." yeah, so of COURSE, today is the tv thing. i haven't had my hair "done" in six months (any girl who's ever had her hair colored will know why this pains me so), i haven't done my nails in three weeks (yeah, i have my "nails" done, bite me), and i'm packing around 25 or so pounds extra on my frame. and yet, here i will be, sometime in october, on fucking TV.

really, there is no justice. i have worked at this place for almost five years. up until about a year ago, i was looking pretty good and there were no "photo shoots" that involved me BEING ON TV. this pisses me off on so many levels, i cannot even express it. the offspring said it best, in one of my favorite songs, when they said "stupid, dumbshit, goddamn, MOTHERFUCKER!!"

ugh, i'm just so not satisfied with my appearance. and it's really not because i'm one of the legion of girls who thinks she's "fat" because she's put on two pounds cause she ate a little cheese. it's because i have LET MYSELF GO in the last year. with all the drama, and depression, and mind fucking courtesy of the fiasco, and not to mention THE PARALYSIS, i am not at my ideal weight. not even a little bit.

and then there is this girl, the "talent", if you will, for the show. OH MY GOD. let's just say, she could have been barbies cousin, but with brown hair and a little shorter (and an unfortunate boob job, at least mine are REAL), but STILL. i have to be seen, on tv, next to her, and you know what? i'm gonna be the fat girl that all the guys see and say "she'd be cute if she'd lose a little weight." i fucking hate that. really, really a lot. and although she was somewhat nice once the camera went off i still couldn't let go of the plasticness of her, and the wondering of how SHE got her job, and I GOT mine.

what is wrong with me, exactly, that i'm comparing myself to her? nothing is wrong with me, but man, she is getting all this really fucking cool stuff in her life, and i'm waiting tables. fuck me running, sometimes i just don't understand it all.

it's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men

well, it just goes to show. you know that crap people spout about how you'll find someone once you stop looking? yeah, it's still crap, but i swear, ever since i just let the whole idea of love go, along with the choking bitterness i was starting to feel, men just started popping up. all over the damn place. the fiasco is in town this weekend. quit his job and came out here to visit. i'm thinking he's gonna want to come over, and boy do i need that in the physical sense, but i really don't know if i should do it. i just don't. i might if he promises never to move here again. if he lived here i would just be in hell, hell i say. and then there's the internet men. you would think they would be from dating sites, but OH NO, i seem to be "meeting" men in other places. like the guy from the messageboard. and a certain blogger who i had a wonderful chat with that got me all excited, and optimistic (i haven't heard much from him since then though, so i'm a little disillusioned) and the IT guy (i will cop to him coming from a dating site, but he approached me, so...) from the local hospital who lives in PB. here's my dilemma: what am i supposed to do with this? i don't have free time. i don't have the ability to date. i have a little boy who is here a lot. i don't know how to let anyone into my life. i really, really don't. it's been so long, over two years, since i've had a regular boyfriend. what if anything comes of all this man-rain? i don't know, i really just don't. it should be interesting though, that's all i can say. and let's just hope these particular men are not part of the small peter club like the rest of the losers of the last year and a half, mmmk?

need....more...kitten....pics

yeah, so i'm going to become a kitty picture posting whore. so sue me.

are they not the cutest damn things you've EVER SEEN?????

anyway, just got back from a nice 10 day vacation from work with my son. we went camping in big sur, which was so much fun. except of course for the chipmunk invasion of 2006. there was an unknown bag of chips in our tent when we left the site for a while. as i was driving up, i noticed the tent heaving to and fro, and thought "what, oh what in heaven is the matter? what could make my tent move in such a manner?" chipmunks is what. the little rats ate through the netting for the window and were ransacking the tent in search of said bag of chips. my son, the man of the house, decided he would go forth and torment, and so went into the tent and proceeded to shriek like a banshee and run around the tent chasing the little varmints out. a fun time was had by all.

we then went to SF to the exploratorium, where my son had the time of his life seeing all the science type stuff. he loved it and got a put-it-together-yourself catapult, which has been hours of fun. although i'm not too happy with all the litte balls of clay catapulted hither and to in my house. i seem to be channeling shakespeare or ye olde english today, i apologize. we also went to the zoo which was fun but hot and mildly annoying, what with all the screaming children and yuppies galore. the lions and tigers and bears were the favorite all around, although the baby giraffe and the albino kangaroo were pretty cool too.

i haven't spent that much uninterrupted time with my son in a year and a half, so it was great. he's calmed down a lot after a lot of time with me, which is reinforcing my plan of homeschooling. i need to be with him more, and he definitely needs to be with me more. so, i guess i'm officially homeschooling. yay!!

kittens!!!!

OH MY GOD THEY ARE SO CUTE!!!! my cat got hit by a car about five months ago, so i decided that this time around i was going to get kittens. boy, am i glad cause they are so freaking adorable it's killing me. i forgot how totally fun and cute and snuggly little baby kittens are. i haven't had a kitten since i was a kid, and i'm loving it, and needless to say my son is over the moon. the tortie (with the cutest four white mittens ever) is named lily (my son named her that after our cat that died) and the black one (with an equally cute white star and white eyebrows) is named very originally as shadow. the tortie, surprisingly, is calmer than the black one, and they are both little lovers. we are technically fostering them because they are only five or six weeks, but they'll be ours after they are altered. i'm sitting here waiting for the pics to upload, fearing they are going to be too large cause it's taking a long time. nope, they look ok. shadow had a little cold when we got here, so i'm medicating her and doing some eye medicine, so that's why her eyes look a little funny. aren't they ssooooooooo cute????