i MIGHT be a little drunk
i say might, because i'm deluding myself, but whatever. so, tonight, we had a "photo shoot." and photo shoot, in my place, could be anything from an actual photo shoot with, like, cameras and stuff, to a whole damn "spot on a tv show." yeah, so of COURSE, today is the tv thing. i haven't had my hair "done" in six months (any girl who's ever had her hair colored will know why this pains me so), i haven't done my nails in three weeks (yeah, i have my "nails" done, bite me), and i'm packing around 25 or so pounds extra on my frame. and yet, here i will be, sometime in october, on fucking TV.
really, there is no justice. i have worked at this place for almost five years. up until about a year ago, i was looking pretty good and there were no "photo shoots" that involved me BEING ON TV. this pisses me off on so many levels, i cannot even express it. the offspring said it best, in one of my favorite songs, when they said "stupid, dumbshit, goddamn, MOTHERFUCKER!!"
ugh, i'm just so not satisfied with my appearance. and it's really not because i'm one of the legion of girls who thinks she's "fat" because she's put on two pounds cause she ate a little cheese. it's because i have LET MYSELF GO in the last year. with all the drama, and depression, and mind fucking courtesy of the fiasco, and not to mention THE PARALYSIS, i am not at my ideal weight. not even a little bit.
and then there is this girl, the "talent", if you will, for the show. OH MY GOD. let's just say, she could have been barbies cousin, but with brown hair and a little shorter (and an unfortunate boob job, at least mine are REAL), but STILL. i have to be seen, on tv, next to her, and you know what? i'm gonna be the fat girl that all the guys see and say "she'd be cute if she'd lose a little weight." i fucking hate that. really, really a lot. and although she was somewhat nice once the camera went off i still couldn't let go of the plasticness of her, and the wondering of how SHE got her job, and I GOT mine.
what is wrong with me, exactly, that i'm comparing myself to her? nothing is wrong with me, but man, she is getting all this really fucking cool stuff in her life, and i'm waiting tables. fuck me running, sometimes i just don't understand it all.
really, there is no justice. i have worked at this place for almost five years. up until about a year ago, i was looking pretty good and there were no "photo shoots" that involved me BEING ON TV. this pisses me off on so many levels, i cannot even express it. the offspring said it best, in one of my favorite songs, when they said "stupid, dumbshit, goddamn, MOTHERFUCKER!!"
ugh, i'm just so not satisfied with my appearance. and it's really not because i'm one of the legion of girls who thinks she's "fat" because she's put on two pounds cause she ate a little cheese. it's because i have LET MYSELF GO in the last year. with all the drama, and depression, and mind fucking courtesy of the fiasco, and not to mention THE PARALYSIS, i am not at my ideal weight. not even a little bit.
and then there is this girl, the "talent", if you will, for the show. OH MY GOD. let's just say, she could have been barbies cousin, but with brown hair and a little shorter (and an unfortunate boob job, at least mine are REAL), but STILL. i have to be seen, on tv, next to her, and you know what? i'm gonna be the fat girl that all the guys see and say "she'd be cute if she'd lose a little weight." i fucking hate that. really, really a lot. and although she was somewhat nice once the camera went off
what is wrong with me, exactly, that i'm comparing myself to her? nothing is wrong with me, but man, she is getting all this really fucking cool stuff in her life, and i'm waiting tables. fuck me running, sometimes i just don't understand it all.
posted by j @ 1:35 AM
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