oh man

i totally suck at this stuff. where to begin...i have cut down on smoking, but not quit. i know, i know, i got all y'all hyped up about quitting and i've let you down. well, all i can say is i am a tired, tired single mom, and the energy required to fight a huge craving was monumental and i just couldn't function. plus i turned into a raging lunatic to the point that my son actually asked me to smoke so i would "stop being so crazy, mom." he's a keeper. love that boy. so i'm smoking, but less, and i'm thinking i'll be stopping altogether within six months or so. the exercise is another thing. see, i've been in a bit of a paralysis the last year or so. just not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to do much of anything except relax when i'm not taking care of my son or my other 1,000 kids at work (and by kids, i mean the adults who whine like kids and need every fucking thing taking care of by me.) it's like this: my whole life is about taking care of others. my customers at work, my son, my bills (oh yeah, they're people, and they are really freaking high maintenance), my sister, my mom. but there is no one taking care of me. so there's a lot going out, but nothing coming in, and i just get tired. i get lonely and tired and all emotionally tapped out cause there's just nothing coming in. thus, the paralysis. i just want to be alone, in my cute little house, with my comfortable couches and bed, and chill in the silence. so i'm going with it. i'm not going to feel like it's bad for me to do it, cause we all know when something comes from deep inside, if you fight it it just gets stronger and stronger. so i'm going with it, but i don't want to be this overweight version of myself anymore. so, i'm buying a gazelle. no, not the tundra grazing deer type animal, a tony little gazelle glider. i know, the man has more energy and spunk than a class of kindergarteners(with the same annoyance and feeling of wanting to tear your eardrums out just to not have to hear him anymore too), but i'm not getting him, i'm getting the gazelle. i've read a million reviews, and everyone says that they love it and they actually use it, and i'm thinking it's the only way i'm going to lose these extra 20 or so pounds i have hanging onto me. i have no idea where i'm going to put this piece of weight losing machinery, because my house is tiny tiny tiny, but i'll fit it in somewhere, even if it does screw up the perfectness of everything (by that i mean that i finally, for the first time in my life, have a house that is full of newly bought furniture, that has only been mine, and that all matches...LOVE IT!!) because i need to lose weight to feel better about myself. and i'm thinking that i want to try yoga, even though it would mean going out into the world, because i want something to calm the angry voice in my head. you know the one. that voice that is just pissed off and bitter and wants someone to explain what the hell happened in your life and how in the world you got to be 31, divorced, a mother, single, and fat. yeah, that voice needs to shut the hell up, because no matter how much i talk to it and tell it that i am HAPPY and INDEPENDENT and STRONG, it still tries to make me pissed off and wanting answers NOW. so, yoga, the gazelle, weight lose, and no smoking all coming to a blog near you. YIPPEE!!! we'll see how it goes, and i am going to keep writing more frequently, cause even though almost no one reads this it feels good to put it out there.