lazy sunday

until i go to work of course. so, i'm thinking that i'm off men. not forever, but i realized that over the last two years, my response to the fiasco stopping contact with me was to go find another penis ASAP. and even though i have been totally single for the last year, and mostly single for the year before that, he's been in my head and/or bed almost the whole time. and i've felt hurt and angry with him for doing his running thing, and i've felt so insecure, so i needed some other man to show me that i was good enough to have. well i'm sick of feeling that way. and i'm sick of one night stands with losers who don't deserve me. i've let myself go so bad in the last year, mooning around in a depressed haze, wishing i could have someone who is totally unhaveable, and i'm so sick of it. of course i think of him a lot still, but i can't do it anymore. (and of course i'm pissed that i let him in again after the four month hiatus last year. i would probably be with the man of my dreams by now. shit!!) it's made me a different person. i used to be confident and bubbly and fun, now i'm just not those things at all, unless i hear from him. i need to be those things for myself only. so, i'm working out, which feels great but also hurts so bad cause i'm very out of shape. and i'm also ixneying any dating for now. probably for a few months. i need to feel good about myself again, so i'm not walking around with a neon sign on my head that's blaring "desperate for approval" and of course "desperate for sex" on it. those are not things that make men fall at your feet. so i'm in retirement from men, and it feels pretty good. now if i could just lose 20 pounds and get this guy out of my head, i'd be golden!!

work is good, except the coup the rookies pulled while the two seniors were gone (myself sick and the other one on vacation). it's amazing to me that one of the people i work with, who is a whiny little bitchwho charades as a sweet little victim, actually is getting more of the pool now just because she worked a little harder for a couple of weeks and then whined about it constantly. so now i have to pay her as much as another server who works her ass off and is awesome about everything. when i have to help someone who's been there over a year with one of the simplest things to do on the computer, they do not deserve .85. they just don't. it's ridiculous. our whole place is about teamwork, so of course we all help eachother, but there comes a time when helping turns in to doing it for them, and that time has come and gone with this one. we had the whole menu change, and i mean the whole menu, 50 items or so, and none of us had seen them or tasted them before we had to sell them. and we just said, ok, here goes nothing. she comes in, whining right away, wouldn't it be better if i'm in the kitchen since i haven't seen the food, help me on the computer, help me with this this, i don't know if i can do this, WAAHHH! i of course told her that all of us had to do that and to get over it (she didn't like that), and i helped her on the computer but told her i shouldn't have to doing this with her anymore, and then told the boss. so call me a bitch, i'm not, i'm just doing my job for the restaurant and the rest of us. so that was my night last night. i leave home from a son who's whining for me to do something for him (although he's not so much whining anymore as asking a million times) and go to work and have to babysit a 39 year old server who should know all this by now times ten. thank god i didn't have any whiny customers last night or i would have gone postal. ahhh, feel better now, stress transferred to blog.