a blog..off track??? the hell you say!!
just realized that my blog has gone off on a tangent about my life (bad blog, bad!!) and not about my work. so, i'm wracking my brain trying to think of an interesting or amusing work story and nothing is coming. i could tell about the time i got yelled at for watching the clock by a guest after he asked me what time it was, but that is pretty self explanatory (explanation: the guy was an asshat.) i could tell about the time i spilled a little wine on someone and apologized profusely only to have them write a letter to the owner saying that me and my "ample behind" knocked over their whole bottle and that i didn't so much as stop let alone say sorry (another asshat with his wife, mrs. asshat. and i'll have you know i was all of 115 lbs and a size 4 at the time.) or i could tell of the time that i walked down into the cellar and another waitress was down there taking pictures of a group of golfers who decided to whip their tools out when she snapped the picture (we thought this was funny cause we're perverts, so we'll just call them golfers, not asshats.) i guess, after thinking about it, there are a lot of stories i could tell.
i'd like to make it clear that one of the things i love about my job is that the restaurant industry is the last bastion of freedom to be a pervert. i don't know what it is, but i think it has a lot to do with outgoing people in the FOH (front of the house) and almost all guys in the BOH (i'm not going to explain that one cause it's the same as the other except for back) that makes us all delinquents. maybe it also has something to do with us FOHers having to kiss strangers asses all night long on the floor that makes us feel the need to swear like sailors in the back. i don't know, but i love it. just know that nine times out of ten, that sweet faced, charming, polite girl that tells you all about the food and brings everything out perfect is going in the back and saying fuck every other word and talking about blow jobs. it's funny!!
we have chestnuts on our menu right now. how many perverted things can you come up with for chestnuts, kids? i'll give you a minute...i can come up with a few. ready?
"can i have my chinnuts, please?"
"just waiting for your hot nuts, guys."
"i need your nuts, now, in my hands, preferably hot."
"i tasted your nuts. they were great, a little hot, but delicious."
it just goes on and on. it's a little better if you can insert names, but i don't want to incriminate my crush, who just happens to cook the nuts, in this blog. let's just say he blushes a lot whenever i ask for his nuts.
and it's not just nuts. we are sick about everything. my boss has a pen. the first time he handed it to me, i thought it was a joke. it's the thickness of a large spaghetti noodle, but only about two inches long. meaning, it's tiny. i said "what the hell is this??" and he said "you know how some guys buy big trucks and people say they're over compensating? this is my under-compensating pen." i mean really, i barely knew the guy, but he saw that i was a perve just like the rest of us lifers in this biz and knew i would laugh my ass off at that. and of course i did, and i tease him about it to this day.
should i be paranoid of telling all this stuff to strangers? i hope not.
i'd like to make it clear that one of the things i love about my job is that the restaurant industry is the last bastion of freedom to be a pervert. i don't know what it is, but i think it has a lot to do with outgoing people in the FOH (front of the house) and almost all guys in the BOH (i'm not going to explain that one cause it's the same as the other except for back) that makes us all delinquents. maybe it also has something to do with us FOHers having to kiss strangers asses all night long on the floor that makes us feel the need to swear like sailors in the back. i don't know, but i love it. just know that nine times out of ten, that sweet faced, charming, polite girl that tells you all about the food and brings everything out perfect is going in the back and saying fuck every other word and talking about blow jobs. it's funny!!
we have chestnuts on our menu right now. how many perverted things can you come up with for chestnuts, kids? i'll give you a minute...i can come up with a few. ready?
"can i have my chinnuts, please?"
"just waiting for your hot nuts, guys."
"i need your nuts, now, in my hands, preferably hot."
"i tasted your nuts. they were great, a little hot, but delicious."
it just goes on and on. it's a little better if you can insert names, but i don't want to incriminate my crush, who just happens to cook the nuts, in this blog. let's just say he blushes a lot whenever i ask for his nuts.
and it's not just nuts. we are sick about everything. my boss has a pen. the first time he handed it to me, i thought it was a joke. it's the thickness of a large spaghetti noodle, but only about two inches long. meaning, it's tiny. i said "what the hell is this??" and he said "you know how some guys buy big trucks and people say they're over compensating? this is my under-compensating pen." i mean really, i barely knew the guy, but he saw that i was a perve just like the rest of us lifers in this biz and knew i would laugh my ass off at that. and of course i did, and i tease him about it to this day.
should i be paranoid of telling all this stuff to strangers? i hope not.
posted by j @ 6:39 PM
1 Comments:
At 5:44 AM,
XeroND said…
j- how many strangers are you really telling? :) Sorry I've not commented in awhile, seems the baggage I have came loose in the belly of the plane and gave me a bit of mental cleaning up to do.
At any rate... good post. I know what you mean as far as FOH's and BOH's. I happen to be a BOH'ser myself in a different industry...but it pretty much works the same way. -Bannanas are on the menu this week.
'I break my bannana before I eat it.'
'I'm not going to share my bannana with you anymore.'
'Mmmhmmm... you like bannanas?'
And I must say, there's almost nothing better than pressing the mute button on a phone in order to say, 'What a fuckin' idiot.' about the individual on the other end.
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