jesus (in the blasphemy sense, not the worshipping sense)

just had a shocking thing happen. a guy who i knew, the aforementioned fiasco, who i had feelings for and went through hell about, has apparently turned a new leaf. he had a problem with the truth, about a lot of stuff but most of all his feelings, and after an hour and a half long conversation he seems to have changed.

i know, i know, people don't change. i'm sticking with this thought process for now, but there was always this weird thing with this guy in that i felt like he was always fighting with himself. almost like a split personality thing. like he wanted to tell me stuff about himself and his feelings, and sometimes he would, but then the little devil on his shoulder would pipe up and say something like "don't do that for her, don't tell her the truth, don't have any feelings for her" and he would listen to that and lie to me or not call or jump out of bed and leave. it was weird and frustrating and hurtful to me. for all the obvious reasons of course, but also because he was a great guy and it was hard to watch him morph in to a jackass just cause he was scared of being honest with himself and me and anyone else around him.

well, after four months of no contact and almost a year of him living in a different state, i get a slew of emails from him today. and then the unbelieveable, a phone call. a real phone call, with him saying all the stuff i knew about how he felt and thought about things but that he could never tell me. and it was so good to talk to the good guy that i liked the best.

but shit. yes shit. and he's probably going to read this cause like a dumbass i let it slip that i had a blog, but i don't care. i don't know what this means at all. i don't know what is going to happen. i told him that he was responsible for all contact, so we'll see. i still don't know what brought this on exactly (he said he didn't know really but was thinking about me a lot, yea!) but we'll see. if he's serious about being different and wanting to prove it to me, we'll just see. all i know is that i'm happy for him for being a better person and being honest with himself and others (he thinks it's cool to not have to be guilty or worry about getting caught in a lie, evidently he didn't know this was a benefit of being honest, lol) and i'm happy for me for not having to think that he was just another jackass. well, i'm thinking that he's not for now, but we'll see if he actually follows through with what he said on the phone.

god, i'm just feeling so surreal about the whole thing. you know when you want something for so long, and then accept the fact that you're not going to get it and are fine with it, and then you get it and you just don't know what to do with it? yeah, hi, that's me right now. i know that in this day and age you're just supposed to cut anyone who hurts you or lies to you out of your life, but...fuck. here i am. we shall see.