surprise, surprise, surprise

well, with all the action i'm getting here, i thought i'd update my three readers on my previously posted event. that would be the event with the fiasco. my god. i'm guessing it was either truth serum or drunkenness, but he has of course not called back since that night. i have maintained the no contact clause that i instated, but jesus h. christ, i am just a lot pissed off at him. i was over it, i was thinking fond but mostly distant thoughts about him, i was starting to date again, i was good. he would pop up in my dreams or thoughts only once or twice a day (instead of the obsessive thinking i was doing a few months ago) and it was wistful thoughts, not i have to have him thoughts like before. well, fuck me running, he's back with a vengeance. not as bad as before, but still. i'm checking email, i'm jumping when the phone rings, i'm just fucking being stupid and juvenile which i always felt around him and i hate that i let him make me feel this way. i am a strong, attractive, assertive, kick ass woman and it makes me sick that a man can make me act this way at the age of 31. just sick. i disapoint myself in regards to this man. i don't know what it is about him but from the first couple of months hanging with him i was hooked. he was like a drug or something. i haven't wanted someone this irrationally since my high school boyfriend. he got completely and totally under my skin and is still there and i'm fucking sick of it. i don't think it's ever going to go away. i swear to god, it feels like it's always going to be there. maybe it's because for the first time in my life i don't have a replacement, or just because he's my drug, but it feels like i'm going to think about him and want him forever. even though he lies, even though he only tells me how he feels one in every 30 conversations, even though he did terrible things to my head when he saw me for the first time in six months and left within hours, i still talked to him and believed him and hoped he would finally do the right thing and treat me with just a little respect and love. ha. ha fucking ha. fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. fool me three times, and just take a gun to my head and pull the trigger, baby. it's easier this time to let go than the other two times, but not a lot. and i'm just afraid that he's going to call me or email me or something again in a few months and i'll do it again. i want to talk to him now, and get this shit figured out once and for all. if we can try and do it. which is so goddamn stupid. the thing that drives me the most crazy, and probably the reason why he got to me, is because he is the only guy i've been with that i didn't have to pretend with. not at all. he appreciated my smart-ass comments and slightly bitchy attitude. he made me laugh with his smart-ass shit. he set me on fire in bed. on fucking fire. he was vulnerable, but just enough. not so much that you want to yell at the guy to get some fucking balls, just enough to make me want to know more. he made me feel comfortable and cared for and good when he was with me. and this is why i still want to talk to him. i want that guy to come to me. not the jackass who lied and who can't deal with growing up and his life. i thought all my wishes had come true when he called and said all those things, and then...nothing? really, nothing? not even a forwarded chain mail email? nothing the fuck at all? i don't get it. i just don't get it at all. actually, i do get it. it just makes me really sad for myself, and for him too. and i don't do sad well. sad is not pretty on me and sad seems to turn to anger and cynicism on my as i age and that just sucks. and if anyone comments about how i need to break up my post, you just fuck off and not post anything cause i don't care. see, the anger. oh god the anger and hurt.