you can't always get what you want

but sometimes, i guess, you get what you need. "what do you want me to say?" he asks me. what do i want him to say? i want him to say he's madly in love with me and nothing else matters. i want him to come to me and give in to all of it and be with me. i want him to say that he will move back here, to a place he loves and to a woman he loves, when he's done with his year of work and see if this thing between will work. what do i need him to say or do? call me, talk to me, involve me in his life on a semi-daily basis. i don't need all of that other stuff right now, but i do need some sign that our weekend wasn't just another fling thing for him, and i'm not getting that right now. i need him to prove to me that he is different, even though his behavior when i was there was totally different. i need more proof. i'm just back in teenager land again, willing the phone to ring, wanting the only connection that's available to us, and i know that he probably thinks of me all the time and thinks of calling me but he's running scared again. or he's just really busy with work. or he just really needed to get laid and i was there. it could be anything, but since he's not calling, i don't know what it is. i hate not knowing. i cried in front of him, thinking that that would freak him out and make him want to run away, and instead he just sat there and listened to me totally lose it and breakdown. he said "you are a girl after all." sometimes it's a curse to seem so strong and together, cause i think some people think you don't have as deep of feelings or something. just cause i don't show it a lot, doesn't mean i don't have them. i have them, a lot of them, but after you've had your heart broken four or five times, and gone through a divorce, and are a single mom who works too much, you have to stay hard or it all just falls apart. i just don't want to let him hurt me again, so i try not to show my feelings so much. but i have them. jesus, do i ever. i woke up out of a dead sleep the other night, expecting him to be there, and cried when he wasn't. what the fuck? after three nights together, i wake up thinking he's gonna be there? the connection is freaky wonderful, and everything else is just unbelieveable, and we are so comfortable together, but then he pulls away and i just feel confused and cold. god, what a mess.

on a lighter note, i'm still living and loving my life. working thanksgiving sucks ass, but i made a lot of money. almost made up for the money i spent in vegas. ha. this whole week is just crazy busy, but so profitable that i can't really complain. if i could just get some sleep, i'd be golden. and for all the whining above, i did have an incredibly wonderful time getting away from my life and just being free and with someone i love and really like and have a really good time with. i haven't done that for so long, it was just so great. even if nothing comes of it with him, it gave me the strength to keep doing this single mom thing for a few more months. i might have to go back in january to get a refill, though. lol

my son lost his first tooth on the 19th. he looks so cute with his little gappy mouth. he's gonna lose another one pretty soon, probably while he's with his dad AGAIN. that really pissed me off, but, what can you do? i nursed him constantly and took care of his poor screaming self while all those teeth came in and his dad wasn't there, and now his dad gets to be the hero tooth fairy. a metaphor for life, i think. but my boy loves me so much. he had to write a note to the tooth fairy asking for his tooth back so he could take it to his mom. he said he'd give the money back if only he could have his tooth so his mom could see it. that's love for you. he drives me nuts, but he can be the sweetest little thing ever and i'm so glad i have him to keep me growing and grounded.