ahhh, love

so, last night i watched "the story of us" with bruce willis and michelle pfeffier (thinking that's spelled right, but who knows really.) that is a serious story that of course got me thinking about love. and also of divorce and relationships and marriage and kids. all of which i have had and do have. however, i have not had a real relationship for almost two years, and it hurts almost. i truly do not remember what it is like to talk to someone (an adult male anyway) on a daily basis who loves me. i do not remember what it is like to share my daily life with someone besides my son, and i don't even share everyday with him. i don't know if i can do it again, but i miss it so much. i miss having someone who loves me and who i love. i'm very happy with my life, and can't imagine it changing, but i'm lonely. so lonely sometimes that i go crazy it seems like. but at exactly the same time, i feel fine about all of it. probably because most of the men i meet would drive me insane within a week. it's so weird. most of the movies i watch, and books i read, and conversations i have are about relationships. most of them are about the getting to the point of loving someone, but some like the aforementioned movie, are about what happens later. and i want what happens later. i want someone who notices that i have the lightest possible glitter painted on my nails. i want someone who will make me laugh when i'm just about ready to freak out on my kid. i want someone to run me a bath that is ready right when i come home from work. i want someone who is there to kiss me awake right before the alarm goes off. i want someone who i can laugh with and love all night long. i want someone who knows me and all the little things about me and loves all of it just cause it's part of me. and, at the same time, i don't want any part of my life to change. it's like half of me is positively yearning for love, while the other half is fine with everything the way it is. like i said, weird. it's good that i'm okay with nothing changing, cause it's not looking good on the love front. i don't think. i don't know really. all i know is that i'm going to have a great weekend out of town, and hope that something comes of it, and then come home and go back to my life with my boy and try not to go crazy thinking about what happened on the weekend and what it means and where i go with it. i hate ambiguity.